the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
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Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
a public service announcement
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.