No one told me my life would become so much googling it
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Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*