me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
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Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary