i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
You Might Also Like
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.