been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
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Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Breaking news:
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird