My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
You Might Also Like
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
What
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now