“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
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Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw