Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
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I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.