Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
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Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
another case of gang violins
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Mornin
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.