Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
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Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
my first dose meeting my second
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Me as a therapist: omg same
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.