It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
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omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
No selfies while hijacking a train.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates