Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
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At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
nature’s most graceful animal
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.