Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
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Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
We’re all getting idioter.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?