[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
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Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Please do it!
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.