DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
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Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Meeeee too!
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.