ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
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Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.