How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
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Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.