One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
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ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo