I hope your spoon slides into your soup
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Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Name another movie that mislead you?
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
yea so i messed up lol
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian