“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
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Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Worth the read.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.