Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
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PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.