A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
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trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Sharon, call the vet
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
how much does a mortician urn in a year
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too