Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
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Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
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Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart