Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
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*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.