Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
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“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon