Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
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My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re