They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
You Might Also Like
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
March 16
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”