You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
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“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Life with a cat in one tweet
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.