Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
You Might Also Like
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.