Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
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I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Bro what is this
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
This is my pinned tweet
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.