Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
You Might Also Like
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible