Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
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I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time