If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
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I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day