the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
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Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.