Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
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English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.