You when you started twitter vs. you now.
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[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is