Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
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My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Same pineapple, same
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.