me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
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[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
buys donuts instead
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.