Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
You Might Also Like
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad