When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
You Might Also Like
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.