Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
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[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Sunday
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh