I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
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TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places