Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
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“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.