Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
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Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I already tried new things thanks.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.