I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
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Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
The Friday File.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.