A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
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[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free