Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
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I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
marvel comics have peaked
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.