My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
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I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Wise advice
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day