Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
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Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
I see your IQ test came back negative
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.