My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
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Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.